By Jeremiah Tucker

Dr. Tim Cullers
(PRINCIPAL)
“Marcus Hurn? Get right out of town!” That’s what I said when I saw the results. I said, “Get out of here with that stuff, mister!” But it’s true … Marcus Hurn is our senior class treasurer. Did he run unopposed? Yes. Does that mean it’s a hollow victory? Maybe. But I’ll say this … If only for a moment, this school stopped obsessing over who has the newest iPhone or who drives the nicest car or which student received a sext message from Mr. Jark in the teacher’s lounge, and just came together to elect the best person for the job. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, religion or that unsettling Bea Arthur impression Marcus is always doing.

Marcus Hurn
(SENIOR CLASS TREASURER)
Our sophomore year, my buddy Rick and I co-founded Archaic Fads — the student club for fans of vintage toys and pop culture? Anyway, back then people considered us “outside-the-norm” or whatever for wearing these baller Troll dolls and Tamagotchi key chains on our backpacks. Now we’re playing Pogs in between class and reenacting scenes from our favorite ‘80s sitcoms on the unsuspecting marks in the hallway, and people are loving it! If my election inspires even one more person to join AF, it was worth it … Because three members is the minimum to get our club’s picture in the yearbook.

Richard Jark
(FORMER ALGEBRA TEACHER)
Like Marcus, I know what it’s like to be persecuted for living outside society’s little box. So more than anybody, I understand how momentous his victory is for those people still allowed by law to come within 1,000 feet of the high school. It’s a game changer.

Kimberly Yen
(SENIOR CLASS PRESIDENT)
Seriously? That’s your thesis. Because a proudly unembarrassed social illiterate got elected to a position no one wanted the entrenched power structure of high school predicated on beauty, wealth and pregnancy scares evaporated overnight? (Raises her hands above her head.) Yay! High school is a paradise! I bet Drew Fitz will ask me to prom! (Rolls her eyes.) You should ask Principal Cullers who was actually elected class treasurer.

Drew “Fitz” Fitzgerald
(IN A BAND)
Look, from one human being to another, I drink tap water, without ice, and the interests listed on my Facebook profile are world poetry, spiritualosophy, Victorian rogue taxidermy and dubstep. So … (Puts on his vintage sunglasses.) Maybe I’m not the best person to talk to about “high school politics.”

Rick Pompitino
(MARCUS HURN’S CAMPAIGN MANAGER)
I guess it’s like guerilla theater. We used to do a lot of “Perfect Strangers,” but lately we’ve been on a real “Golden Girls” tear. I’m normally Rose or Sophia, but Marcus is always Dorothy … I wouldn’t say our peers love it, really, but when someone tries to heckle us or throw textbooks into our faces, Marcus always shuts them down with a “Shady pines, ma!” (Laughs and shakes his head.) He really is the coolest.

Zac Caldwell
(VARSITY)
Marcus? Yeah, I know him. He started that weird club with his boyfriend Dick, right? Anarchy Fags or something? Whatever … I don’t know why everyone’s making a big deal about him, like because he goes out of his way to be a loud douche he deserves special treatment? You think it’s easy being me, bro? Yesterday me and the boys were in the crucible putting up some weight and out of nowhere Coach Morrey turns down the Crüe and says to me “Hey Polio! Are those two Slim Jims of yours ever gonna squat 400 or what?” And it’s like … Damn bro, you know I’m sensitive about my lower body.

Emma Robins
(POPULAR)
I think it’s great he’s on the student council. My friends and I LOVE Marcus! We love diversity of all kinds. We were going to ask Marcus and his friend — what’s his face, the kid who smells like an old McDonald’s breakfast left inside a hot car? Anyway, we wanted them to eat lunch with us, because we SO don’t care who’s a sad loser and who isn’t, but Claire, my BFF, she says she’ll get sick if she has to watch them eat. I think it’s because of the earwax thing?

Coach Jim Morrey
(PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER)
The first day of gym class he and his buddy Rick each show up with Mr. Bubble’s Bubble Bath. That was the soap they were going to use in the shower. I’m dead serious. They said it was “kitsch.” Jesus Christ … You know when I was their age, I’ll admit I wasn’t the coolest guy. I liked comic books and D&D, but I also played sports. One day when I was 12 my dad just put a football in my hand and he said, “Wizards never get their dicks wet, son.” And you know what? That son of a bitch was right.

Emma Robins
(POPULAR)
Oh, you don’t know about their earwax fetish? Yeah, Marcus and that other kid meet up with random guys in bathrooms and truck stops to buy their earwax. This is like documented fact. Someone screen-cap’d their Craigslist ad or something. But it’s like — so what! So they make sandwiches out of earwax hoarded from older men and feed them to each other during a sexually-charged snack in the middle of the lunchroom? Big deal! Then again … Maybe I’m just more accepting than most people.

Rick Pompitino
(MARCUS HURN’S CAMPAIGN MANAGER)
Have you talked to Emma Robbins? She and her friends keep addressing weird messages to me and Marcus on Twitter with the hashtag “ear wax recipes.” Is this from a new movie or TV show? I guess I haven’t seen it.

Dr. Tim McCullers
(PRINCIPAL)
Yes, well, technically a write-in candidate by the name of Big Smelly Blumpkin did garner the most votes for class treasurer, but a search of student records found no one by that name enrolled here.

Marcus Hurn
(SENIOR CLASS TREASURER)
Are you serious? So we eat a lot of fluffernutter sandwiches at lunch! God, is that a crime now? Sorry, no one sent me the memo, Emma! (Long pause.) I can’t wait to graduate from this hellhole.